Que not rationale

Que not rationale. When I look back into the past of my eventful and relatively troubled life compared to the wonderful life I should be living in, I came to the conclusion that Que not rationale.

I made probably more irrational decisions in my life than rationale ones. Even on the tiny decisions in my life, I always choose the weird way and the crooked road most rationale individuals would never even think of choosing

YES. If I was rationale, I should have long turned all the gifts God gave me into a wonderful and successful life. But here I am, in a deep hole in life in a lot of aspects although I know millions of people are in a deeper hole than I am with less or no tools to climb out.

But wait, the correct feeling of viewing the past in this way is self-pity but somehow, I do not feel pity for myself or more precisely, I do not have the supposed amount of pity on myself after all the shit that I went thru.

Somehow, I feel blessed with all the experience that I went thru and the people I met.

Even when I am in the lower echelon of society, I am grateful that in this level of society, I am able to have friends around me and also I met the girl i probably love more than any girl I ever met in my life.

YES. Love makes shit look like gold. Love makes Beast look like Beauty.

I am grateful I met a girl who is so warm, I feel like I am in the presence of the Sun Angel everytime i'm around her. But again, to live forever with her, is not a rationale decision for me.

NO. Not even close to a rationale decision. Too many roadblocks. Social stigma, incompatibility at the highest level................

Yet, the correct feeling that I should feel fail to emerge in my heart and again I am following what my heart feels and again I am going for someone I shouldn't even think of going after not because I am not qualified for her but I just am not SUPPOSED to be with her.

I know the brief times I have with her probably won't last and when we go our separate ways, I probably am gonna have a BIG HOLE in my heart, which should have been an even bigger reason for me to stay away from her.

But again, this twisted head of mine just am thinking of every possible way I can be with her forever.

No matter how illogical, no matter how inappropriate, no matter how irrational it will be, I am going to try.

Becoz, Q not rationale.